Don’t Enter a One-Chance Marriage

Why discernment, honest conversations, and mutual respect matter more than the pressure to be married.

A man sent a matchmaker a list of what he wanted in a woman.

She had to live in Canada, be between 30 and 35, have no children, and work in a particular profession. She also had to be ready to put 50% of her salary toward bills and another 10% toward investments.

His closing instruction was: “Let her call me if you find her.”

My first thought was, The audacity!

But I also appreciated one thing: he was upfront about his expectations. Some people want the same arrangement but wait until after the wedding to reveal it.

Let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with a woman contributing to household bills or investing in her family’s future. Many couples make those decisions together and build fulfilling lives.

What concerned me was that he had already decided what this woman must do with her income before he had even met her. His request said nothing about what he would contribute or whether her own goals would matter.

It raised a question worth asking:

Is he looking for a partner, or someone to finance a vision he's already created?

I can imagine a woman reading his request and thinking, At least he knows what he wants. I can work with that.

But when the desire to be married is strong, we can focus so much on being chosen that we forget to ask whether the relationship is right for us.

Tayo’s Story

Let me share a true-life story. I have changed the name.

Tayo was a vibrant Christian minister in her late thirties and a successful entrepreneur in Nigeria. She met a man who had lived in America for more than fifteen years. She was told that he had never been married and had no children.

That was not true.

As their relationship progressed, Tayo agreed to marry him. She suggested she remain in Nigeria while he visited her. She was doing well for herself and wasn't looking for a chance to move to America.

But he insisted, “I need you here.”

Tayo agreed. They had a wedding, but she later discovered that another marriage was still in existence, making their union invalid. Other previous marriages eventually came to light. He promised that they would sort things out and have a proper marriage.

When Tayo arrived in America, she found a situation very different from what she had expected. After more than fifteen years in the country, he did not have a sustainable income.

Before long, Tayo began drawing on her resources from Nigeria. As an entrepreneur, she started a business in America. From her early business income, he expected her to help pay the bills.

She supported the household. She paid bills, cooked, and took care of the home. He used her car because he did not have one. She even helped him go back to school.

Seven years passed, and the marriage he had promised still had not happened.

Meanwhile, some people on his side could not understand what a smart woman like Tayo was doing with him. One or two even told her directly that she was more than him. Others suggested she only wanted immigration papers—even though he was the one who had persuaded her to leave her life in Nigeria.

He listened to them.

He went to Nigeria, married another woman, and brought her to America.

When Tayo asked what he expected her to do now that he had married someone else, he answered, “Go back to Nigeria.”

After seven years of giving, supporting, building, and waiting.

When the Desire for Marriage Silences Discernment

I share Tayo’s story with compassion. He is responsible for his deception. She did not deserve to be lied to or treated as though her years of sacrifice meant nothing.

Her story also invites us to consider the importance of discernment. When someone is dishonest, promises go unfulfilled, or the responsibility for building a life together consistently falls on one person, those things deserve attention.

Sometimes a person’s words tell us what we hope to hear, while their actions are telling us something else.

As a counselor, I have heard stories I cannot share publicly. That's why I am passionate about helping singles prepare for healthy relationships and marriages.

I believe it is better to save a marriage before it happens—by paying attention to what courtship reveals.

A Yoruba saying reminds us that someone patient about eating will not eat what is spoiled. When pressure makes you feel you must accept whatever is in front of you, pause. You do not have to rush into what may harm you.

Proverbs 27:7 puts it this way:

“A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.”

 —Proverbs 27:7, NKJV

When you are hungry for companionship, marriage, or a new beginning, things you would ordinarily question can begin to look acceptable.

Your desire for love is valid. Your hope for marriage is valid. But neither should require you to overlook dishonesty or abandon your sense of self.

Partnership Is a Conversation

A healthy marriage requires conversations about money, responsibilities, goals, and expectations. Those conversations should make room for both people.

Before making a lifelong commitment, ask yourself:

• Is this person honest about their past and their present circumstances?

• Are we discussing finances together, or are they telling I what I must provide?

• Is there room for my dreams and vision, or am I expected to abandon them for theirs?

• When concerns arise, do their actions match their promises?

• Am I choosing freely, or am I afraid another opportunity will not come?

These questions are not about finding a perfect person. They are about paying attention to character, honesty, and the willingness to build together.

Yes, a woman may contribute financially to her marriage. But she shouldn't be treated as a cash cow or expected to carry someone who won't take responsibility for his own life.

Your Age Is Not an Emergency

Whether you are single, divorced, separated, or starting over later in life, please remember: your age is not a reason to accept a relationship that diminishes you.

You do not have to surrender your peace, your voice, or your dreams to say you are married.

It is better to remain single than to enter a one-chance marriage—a situation that is easy to enter but painful and difficult to escape.

Permit yourself to slow down. Ask questions. Pay attention to the answers. And remember that your life has value, purpose, and meaning at every stage.

A Question for Reflection

Is there something you have been excusing because you are afraid of losing the relationship? What might change if you gave yourself permission to pause and look again?

Continue the Conversation

My book Red Flags explores warning signs in relationships that deserve our attention. My doctoral research also reflects my passion for helping people recognize unhealthy patterns before they enter marriage.

I am currently working on turning my thesis into a book, Love Shouldn’t Hurt. Look out for it soon.

If this article spoke to you, share it with someone who may need the courage to pause and pay attention.

Follow this space for more reflections on singleness, relationships, and marriage.

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